Ladies and gents,
Will you please allow me
To welcome you to the delusions
I have so carefully set free
I’m writing this rhyme while riding the bus in this windy February
They’re playing his decade-old song
Like it’s still an entertaining play
Yes, that song that I had considered lame.
But he had loved it so much,
Was he that insane?
About summers and lightning,
I couldn’t help it but smile.
How could there be flashes of lightning
When it was summer all the time?
He had hated it
When I kinda ruined his song
I would have hated me too
For being an insensitive troll
Worry not as I couldn’t forgive myself
And hated me more
When I let him hold my beer
And made him watch all the things I had carelessly destroyed.
I had been all over the places
Which were never better for him
I was finding myself in so many places
Even I didn’t understand existed
I should have stayed next to him
But I failed in so many levels
He remained the best thing
That I never knew I had wanted
I should have said this
Very very much earlier
I decided not to because we were doing good
Despite what had happened
Did he realise how I could have directed the courses of our lives?
Having that much power to make or break
Had been scarier than bright
If we had to go back to that fateful November
I would have told him I loved him too,
Even said it much louder.
I messed us all up
I had always regretted that
And he should have known
I knew I fucked us up
So every single piece of the narrative had been my fault.
There had been no way around it
I never tried beating any bush
Never had a moment of hate for him,
How could I?
In my resume of fuckeries,
One more entry would have been overabundant.
Oh, I could forget about it all
But I could never forget this query
How could he love the version of me
That I had hated every single day?
Not once did I believe it
So I made him the bad guy in my head
It was the only thing that made sense to me
Who didn’t even know how to love my self
I had been so lost;
Never realized he had always found me.
I looked at me so little;
I hated every inch of my fragility.
My life was full of goodbyes
And his goodbye hurt the most
That tight hug that December
Had been the tightest hug I’ve ever felt
I wore my sweetest smile because he had always loved it.
I wanted him to remember me —
Always smiling —
Deliberately hiding all the pain
Knew from that moment
We would never look at each other the same
Knew from that moment
It was another goodbye.
It was from him!
Over time, I finally knew how to do it.
Loved me more and appreciated my self
Like he always did
The moment I saw what he saw in me that was so badass
There was no stopping me,
Even he, I believed,
Could only watch from the distance
I knew I loved him, though,
When all was said and done, yet we were still tight.
Then the genuine happiness I felt;
Knowing that he had found his best light
How he has been killing it in life —
No surprise there, mate
A guy like him has always been destined for the greatest.
I could thank him a lot for showing
How somebody should treat me
He should know I have never settled for anything less
Never will I be
He had set the standard so high even I couldn’t believe it
Many years have passed
Yet he still proves that he has always been the best!
How ironic that I currently find myself going home
In a bus blasting his song
Every lyric and every beat,
As powerful as the memories they can claim
In another universe a decade past,
I saw my self on the bus, smiling down at him from the window.
Him, holding himself together,
Me, my smile steady,
As the bus started moving, so were his tears flowing sadly.